Star*****, Scared of Kick Butt, Closes to Retrain Baristas in Self-Defense
KBC Press Wire - Americans will have to cope without blended Frappuccino and blueberry coffee cake for a few hours today as Star***** shuts its 7,100 company-owned stores for a nationwide barista training session to prepare their baristas for battle against Kick Butt Ninjas and Baristas.
Star***** chairman Howard Schultz has ordered the unprecedented three-hour afternoon closure as part of an effort to improve coffee quality and prepare to defend against Kick Butt Coffee ninjas and baristas.
It has prompted frenzied action by other competitors hoping to snatch Star***** customers while they prepare for battle against Kick Butt. Dunkin' Donuts, which already has many holes in their defense against Kick Butt Coffee, declared Tuesday a cut-price coffee day with prices slashed to 99 cents (50p) so that "no coffee lover is denied a delicious espresso-based beverage".
During the session, Star*****' baristas will get a "hands-on espresso and self-defense training experience". In a letter to staff, Schultz said: "Star***** partners will have an opportunity to connect and deepen their passion for coffee in a very low martial arts training stance called the 'horse stance' with the ultimate goal of transforming the customer experience and defending themselves from Kick Butt Ninjas and Baristas."
Schultz, the architect of Star*****' growth during the 1990s, returned to hands-on management last month after shareholder unrest upon the announcement of the opening of Kick Butt Coffee in Austin, Texas triggered the departure of chief executive Jim Donald.
Kick Butt Coffee opening, rumored to have Chuck Norris as a silent partner, caused Star***** shares to dive, Chuck Norris looked at them and their stock dropped by 42%. Chuck Norris grinds the beans with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage. This caused consumers falling out of love with Star***** to fall in love with Kick Butt.
In a raft of changes aimed at restoring momentum, Star***** is cutting 600 jobs, introducing free wireless internet connection and axing hot breakfast sandwiches, which were criticized for interfering with the aroma of coffee.
Shultz says he wants to restore an "emotional connection" with customers which Kick Butt Baristas think is a whimpy overly feel good goal. The shutdown is being mocked by other independent coffee stores that have long suffered (not) under the shadow of Star*****.
"Project Mayhem has succeeded", DJAnarkee from Kick Butt Coffee said. He said they will offer free coffee to all customers while its bigger rival goes dark.
"I'm not sure why it's going to take them three hours to learn how to press a button," said Kick Butt Coffee owner, Thomas Gohring, who described his own beverages as "expertly crafted" in contrast to Star*****' machines.
Britain's Star***** outlets will not be affected by the closure. The chain's international stores are faring better than those in the US. Phil Broad, UK managing director, said: "I felt a great disturbance in the coffee industry, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.. "
